Casanova Can't

The Perfect Male Lover fantasy bingo card doesn't include a yeast infection

I finally got around to watching the Fifty Shades of Grey movies. I haven’t read the books and I’m not here to criticize or defend the quality of the material in terms of how it’s written. Love it or hate it, it’s extremely popular “erotic romance” and the author tapped a nerve in the mainstream female psyche and subsequently made bank.

No, I’m here to discuss the sexual tropes that are pervasive in our culture when it comes to women and what we supposedly want from sex and how it neglects to reflect how it affects the health of our bodies.

In the first Fifty Shades movie, right before the first sex scene, the heroine, Anastasia, tells the hero, Christian, that she’s never had sex. He exhales loudly with surprise and excitement. He gazes deeply into her eyes. He gently grabs her face with both of his hands and breathily replies, “Where have you been?” And she coquettishly responds, “Waiting.” “Men must throw themselves at you.” “Never one I wanted.”

I audibly groaned. I felt secondary embarrassment for those actors. I know. I shouldn’t. They are beautiful and talented people who made a calculated decision to do soft porn to help advance their careers which has paid off. But that doesn’t make the moment any less cringy. Along with the majority of what I witnessed throughout all three movies.

I get it. It’s erotic romance fantasy. A man of enormous wealth and power has found his perfect woman. A virgin, of course. And the young nubile woman learns about her body and her sexuality from this self-made 27-year-old billionaire who has amassed a business empire larger than Warren Buffet and Bill Gates and Elon Musk combined and has lots of time to devote to his favorite pastime which is BDSM¹ play, obviously.

The reality is über wealthy men do not come close to looking like Jamie Dornan and their favorite pastime is making more money than the rest of us. And most men under 30, and over 30, frankly, don’t know how to operate the female body because they haven’t lived on this earth long enough to understand their own penises let alone the complexities of the vagina and the vulva and the clitoris.

I get it. I know it’s escapism. And what heterosexual woman wouldn’t wish she'd waited for an obscenely rich and hot, yoked and young, decisive and dominating in the right kind of sensitive consensual way, to come along and pop her cherry?

Sadly, because sexual education is fading faster than an One Minute Man (and even in those settings no one is explaining how to help females achieve orgasm or truly understand their own anatomy and how it functions) and because our culture doesn’t center women’s bodies or sexuality, too many women are dissatisfied in real life and view these fantasies as a secret wish list on their hearts. They may know in their heads that it’s not real, but their romantic girlie hearts wish it was. And that means the majority of their sexual experiences will not meet their needs.

There are indie films and books and television series that center women and explore female sexuality. Google or ChatGPT your heart out. There are plenty of lists of “20 best movies/books that explore female sexuality” but the stuff that goes mainstream and viral, is still predominantly tropes that don’t necessarily represent what women want as much as what men want and women have been conditioned to settle for.

Have you seen the one about the beta male who refuses to get his shit together but once you get past his pale, uncooked dough body and his wrinkled clothes and unkempt hair and unshaven face and lack of ambition, he is simply a misunderstood man that requires the perfect woman to see past his shortcomings and love and support him the right way so he can become the man he is supposed to be? Any woman is lucky to have such a sweet and secretly sensitive guy. Judd Apatow created a juggernaut of a career out of this one.

Or the one I’ve highlighted already, the one about the alpha male who makes all the money and has all the power and can have any woman he wants but once you get past his arrogance and his self-centeredness and his abs, he is simply a misunderstood man that requires the perfect woman to see past his shortcomings and love and support him the right way so he can become the man he is supposed to be. Any woman is lucky to have such a strong and secretly sensitive guy. Who also happens to have a substantial sexual appetite.

Personally, I think the appeal is less about BDSM and more about the ridiculous wealth. Some women may go down the super kink rabbit hole for a guy who makes less than 250k a year, because that’s their thing, but many would not.

This is being presented in real time in the Sean “Diddy” Combs trial. Women being manipulated and abused by a man with a deep well of power and money. Not blaming the women, just emphasizing that the allure of luxury and love bombing in a VIP world is how it begins and then these women are trapped in these scenarios. In romance entertainment, it’s a fun fantasy with gorgeous people and no STDs² or PTSD³, but in real life, it’s much darker and seedier and traumatic.

In contemporary times, it’s 50 Shades of Grey or 365 Days. My generation had 9 1/2 Weeks.⁴ In early modern times, sadomasochism was immortalized in the 18th century by the Marquis de Sade. Do the kids today even know who the Marquis de Sade is?

Most women don’t want to be degraded and tortured by him/for his pleasure.

I have no desire, and never did, to be humiliated and administered pain–as–pleasure. I don’t enjoy having my breasts slapped or my nipples yanked. My clitoris and vulva spanked. I don’t have udders. My tender erogenous flesh is not a punching bag in a gym. Do the majority of men want their ballsacks violently pulled and smacked? I think not.

I don’t want to be urinated on. I don’t want a man ejaculating onto my face or hair. I got thick, curly hair that requires a regimented maintenance plan so I’m not getting it wet unless it’s a scheduled wash day.

Silver jiggle ball toys up in my hoo-ha are not conducive to maintaining the health and calm of my vaginal ecosystem while I’m out and about in the world.

Penetration in all available orifices at the same time is a male fantasy not shared by me. Anal is not what I and most of my female friends dream about when we fantasize about sex. Sure, it’s been on the menu, and there are women who enjoy it. But for anyone who thinks that every girlfriend you’ve had who permits this indulgence is as into it as you are... guess what? She’s not. And you know what else? Re-inserting that penis back into the vagina without thoroughly washing first is a sure way to get a wicked vaginal infection. And you know what else? Hemorrhoids. I’ll stop there.

I get it. There are women out there who will tell me that they love kinky sex. I myself experimented a bit with toys when I was in my 20s. But it’s okay to not want to experiment. The opposite of repression and shame and hang-ups doesn't have to be masks and whips and nipple clamps.

Even if most hetero men and women are content with the vanilla versions of vaginal intercourse, this is not how the majority of women achieve orgasm. But how many young men and women actually know this?

Generation after generation of women are still faking orgasms. And most men either don’t care or cannot tell the difference.

I have faked orgasms. All of my female friends have faked orgasms. And sex, as depicted in film and television and romance novels, typically shows a woman climaxing while a man is railing her against a wall or on a counter top or in a car or in a hot tub, hello, harsh chemicals in the cooch, or on a beach, yikes, sand in the snatch, or any number of positions that don’t actually rub the sweet spot that needs to be rubbed e.g. her clit. With any male lover comes penetrative sex that is typically too short to get much out of it or when it is with someone who can last a long time, that most sensitive spot with all the nerves isn’t being stimulated. Is vaginal orgasm possible? Yes. But it requires some experience and technique and awareness that most people don’t have.

When I was an adolescent, and gravitating towards boys and sexual curiosity, no one pulled me aside and said, “Hey Lia, when you have sex, make sure the man thinks you climaxed so he can feel better about his sexual prowess and/or you just want to get it over with because it’s not happening for you.”

In the beginning of my sexual awakening, all I worried about was when I was going to lose my virginity and whether or not it would hurt. I was focused on the “first time” and pleasing the man.

The trope that I grew up hearing about in the cultural zeitgeist and may be less of a thing for young girls today, is the greatest lover of all time, Giacomo Casanova.⁵ I think Casanova is still a recognizable term for describing a ladies man today.

His modus operandi was the short-lived love affair since the aristocratic circles he inhabited were full of people married for social connections, money, land, and power, not love and romance. He typically went after younger women, sheltered upbringings, inexperienced in life and love, insecure, and easily manipulated. His exploits were legendary and he was an incredible giver of pleasure, according to him as there’s no way to dispute his accounting. I mean, a man would never lie about his sexual conquests and how satisfied those women actually were, right?

So the legend endured of the man who can seduce a woman, give her the best sexual experience of her life, and then move onto the next. Doesn’t the idea of having sex with a man who fucks everything make you wet, ladies? And a commonality between all of the tropes is that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING can measure up to that “first time” the woman is made love to by that man.

He instantly knows what that woman wants from the get-go. Love at first sight—first date—first dance—first touch—first kiss—first time ever— first night together—never as good as the first time.

There’s a lot of emphasis on “firsts”and the woman being a passive participant.

And it’s a focus on how easy and simple and fun the beginning of a relationship is, the honeymoon phase, and that one must begrudgingly accept the inevitable drudgery that comes with the days and months and years of being with the same person.

I get it. Firsts are fun and exciting. They are significant and worth marking. And we all know that fucking like bunnies in the beginning will eventually taper off once the minutiae of responsibilities and work and children and illnesses come into the picture.

But who decided that the first time or the beginning is the best time?

The very first time is not the best time for the majority of girls and women. It may be memorable but isn’t the best sex a woman will experience in her lifetime. It’s often far from best. It often never involves the clitoris. And that’s true for the first time with a new sexual partner too.

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve known through the years who are triggered by their own vulvas. They’re worried about how they smell, they feel too vulnerable and scared to allow a man to perform oral sex. It’s something they just don’t even present as an option and if that’s the way to an orgasm, well, you know the rest. They’re not orgasming.

I’ve encountered countless men who talk about the thrill of the fresh pursuit. Never seeming to grow past that need for new and nubile flesh. And yes, I imagine there are plenty of women who want that newness too.

But my best sex was found with partners I got to know better and who got to know my body better. As I got to know my body better too. I was free to pursue the newness in familiar and comfortable territory. Over years, and with the same partner, comes safety grown from trust and protection of my health.

Because every time a new cock enters the picture, there will be the inevitable vaginal irritation from frequent sex and the introduction of new bacteria. Which brings me to infections and irritations that stem from the disruption of a healthy vaginal microbiome.

Every woman has a lifelong relationship with the health and well-being of her vagina and vulva. After lengthy sessions of vaginal intercourse, or a hormonal fluctuation that has made a woman’s vaginal walls thinner, dryer, and less naturally lubricated, and all the outside lubricant in the world doesn’t fix it, or the healthy bacteria is off-balance due to stress, diet, or any number of reasons that disrupt the female biome, there is inevitably raw and irritated skin.

This creates an opportunistic environment for pH imbalances, vaginosis, yeast infections, and UTIs⁶ that typically present themselves with a new partner. The pain and discomfort of vaginal infections are a burden all women bear. There’s also the risk of sexually transmitted diseases⁷ that women are more susceptible to than men because of our anatomy and the penetration.

And then there is dyspareunia, painful sexual intercourse that comes from conditions that women manage and that affect their sex lives significantly, such as endometriosis, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), vulvodynia, vaginismus, hyperalgesia, childbirth/postpartum recovery, pelvic floor disorders, vaginal atrophy, sexual trauma, and vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

Want to know a dirty little secret about vaginal rejuvenation surgery? Anywhere from 25% to 40% of women who undergo this procedure will experience altered sexual function afterwards. Because there's no single, formalized educational program or set number of hours required for surgeons to perform plastic surgery on clitorises/vulvas/vaginas.

Many women will have sex despite these conditions. Women attenuate their sexual needs and they dismiss their own pain or physical limitations. That’s what women have been conditioned to do.

I get it. None of this stuff is sexy compared to the fantasies. And I’m not saying there is anything inherently wrong with fantasy and romance and erotica.

But how do we pass on the real information, the education, the awareness, and the life lessons so that young women can advocate better for themselves in real life? So that women will center and prioritize their sexual needs and their health. So that women will have better sex with their male counterparts. So that women will achieve real orgasms which in turn makes the sex lives of the men better too.

No matter what our youth-obsessed culture tells us, any woman over 40 will tell you that sex in her older body is much better than sex in her younger body, assuming she’s not dealing with health issues, because women know their bodies better as they age. They know what they like and don’t like. And because they don’t want to settle anymore. Which is what likely feeds the popularity of the erotic romance tropes more because if men in real life aren’t evolving or trying to get better, at least that make believe world and a vibrator will bring some satisfaction.

My husband is not an archetype or my sexual savior. He is my equal partner in the bedroom.

Sex can be fast or slow. Short sessions. Long sessions. Utilitarian and straight-to-business or sensual and explorative. And sometimes, even after years of sex, we misread signals or have different agendas. Sometimes a missed cue can crush spontaneity or dampen the build-up of desire. Sometimes one or both of us can feel frustrated. But after years of practice-makes-perfect, and I still need a lot of practice, we have developed our shorthand to get back into it. Or not. It’s okay to stop for now and try again later.

It’s extremely satisfying. It’s romantic. It’s erotic.

It works because we communicate. Because my female body is mercurial and constantly changing and he makes a point of tuning in. Because I take responsibility and control over what I can and cannot do, what I enjoy and do not enjoy. The man cannot read my mind. Because I am safe and I am seen and I am listened to. Because I create a safe space for him to be seen and listened to. Because I tune into his body. Because even when he’s in control, I ultimately control the consent. Cacao. Cacao. For the Portlandia fans.

We aren’t swingers or into polyamorous relationships or props or role playing or BDSM. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Every consenting adult should go do what makes them happy in the bedroom. We are into having more money though. I don’t need to be a billionaire, just enough to tell myself to bugger off. Fingers crossed the next lottery ticket is a big winner.

We’re just into each other. Two humans. In love. Classic vanilla.

I don’t fake orgasms and he doesn’t have to have an orgasm every time we have sex.

Now if he would only be my equal partner in the kitchen and learn how to fucking cook.

1. BDSM: Bondage–discipline–sadism–masochism

2. STD: Sexually transmitted disease

3. PTSD: Post-traumatic stress disorder

4. The film was based on the 1978 book, Nine and a Half Weeks: A Memoir of a Love Affair by Ingeborg Day. This book is not an exploration of sexual fantasy like the Adrian Lyne movie, but rather a more candid, stream–of–consciousness narration of a BDSM relationship that ends with the writer having a nervous breakdown.

5. Casanova was an eighteenth century Italian libertine who is the epitome of the great womanizer. He wrote an autobiography that was published after his death and it is an interesting source of information on the European social lives of the upper echelons of society in the 18th century. There have been multiple films made about him and none of them very good.

6. UTI: Urinary tract infection: When bacteria from your own skin or rectum finds its way into the urinary tract. Pelvic pain, constant urgency to pee, blood in the pee, pain and stinging while peeing, and if left untreated can lead to a kidney infection. Which has an another set of symptoms such as back pain, nausea, vomiting, and fever. And if left untreated, can lead to kidney failure, sepsis, and death. Oh my!

7. The most common STDs: HIV/AIDS, Syphilis, HPV, Hepatitis B, Genital warts, Genital Herpes, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Trichomoniasis, Pubic lice (Crabs).